Conflict is seemingly inescapable, from business colleagues disagreeing over growth strategy to siblings contesting a will to a couple sparring over who cleans the dishes. Sadly, such difficult conversations can be so stressful that we tend to avoid them, which makes matters worse.
A book published on March 18, “Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In,” by Robert C. Bordone and Joel Salinas, M.D., brings a much-needed perspective, whether interpersonal or international strife.
Bordone teaches negotiation and mediation at Harvard Law School and consults on high-stakes conflicts in the U.S. and abroad. Salinas is an associate professor of neurology at New York University’s Grossman School of Medicine and an entrepreneur.
The authors go beyond the classics on negotiating tactics such as “Getting to Yes,” reject win-lose and even win-win thinking, and build a strong case for engaged dialogue, even when it is unlikely to resolve a conflict.
They assert in the introduction that “despite the pervasiveness of conflict, our ability to handle it has atrophied” and that reluctance at all levels of society to address disagreement constructively has negative consequences for individuals, institutions, and the world and contributes to increasing polarization and intolerance. They argue persuasively that learning to tolerate discomfort to listen authentically and speak assertively has benefits with or without an agreement.
The authors call their approach “conflict resilience,” defined as “the ability to genuinely sit with and grow from conflict.”
3 Parts
They organize the book according to their resilience framework: Name, Explore, and Commit.
Part One, “Name (and Dig Deep),” covers self-assessment, underlying feelings, tolerance, and inner conflicts affecting one’s approach to disagreements.
Part Two, “Explore (and Be Brave),” addresses in-depth (i) how to “listen deeply” to understand an opposing view and (ii) how and when to assert your own view.
Part Three, “Commit (and Own the Conflict),” provides advice on (i) the setting and conditions for a successful dialogue (including deciding how you’ll define “success”), (ii) formal and informal processes and structures for facilitating conversations, (iii) when to engage and when to walk away, and (iv) trauma and its consequences. The final chapter suggests ways individuals can build a culture of conflict resilience in their families, organizations, workplaces, and communities — regardless of position.
Upbeat, Empathetic
The book’s tone is upbeat and empathetic even when addressing today’s thorniest issues, such as the Israel-Palestine conflict. The writing is direct, understandable, and authoritative, offering clear explanations and descriptions and comparing conflict resilience to physical fitness.
Recent scientific research — the Notes section cites 300 sources — and the authors’ experiences support the key concepts and principles. Relatable stories illustrate multiple scenarios, from minor relationships to polarizing political differences.
While acknowledging the challenge, the authors emphasize the need for compassion and insist on the possibility of growth and change. Many core ideas reappear throughout the text, but such repetition is not unusual in books that aim to both advocate change and teach practical techniques for bringing it about.
Overall, the book is an excellent resource that offers inspiration, confidence, and actionable advice for executives who negotiate with suppliers and partners, manage employees, or navigate professional relationships.
